Hi to everybody...as I reread this through, I realized it didn't actually tell you why I was so upset and on edge. I had discovered I was pregnant again, and the conditions we lived in it at the time were very bad and keeping our eldest alive with his chronic asthma was really difficult...I was very stressed as well because the pregnancy wasn't going well...a few weeks later, I lost the baby and it was found that I had something called a hydatiform mole, which is basically a malignant placenta that can spore throughout the body if not removed in time...I was lucky...I lost the baby in the fourth month and the placenta came away too...had to be tested for two years afterwards every month to see whether it had spored...as I'm still here, it hadn't...bad time for us then...
For anybody who might want to plough through one of my days in my life...here it is...
A Day in my life
Anger and frustration hung round her neck like an anchor, she felt sharp and waspish even though it was the first really beautiful day of the year. Normally, the sun lifted her spirits, but, today, not all the charm of the universe could make her feel better. Her emotions churned around her body, tearing at her stomach, screwing her mind in death like contortions, she wanted to scream or throw something, anything as long as it was violent, but she knew she wouldn’t, it would stay inside until the turmoil subsided and she could relax again; begin to feel human again.
She had prayed to God this morning, short, desperate cries, ‘God help me, I’m being crushed, I can’t cope, what good does it do to see me in this state, I can’t be pleasing to you , help me, please’.
She didn’t know whether He heard, she certainly didn’t find the control she desired. Her husband had been patient before he went off to work. He had stilled his need to shout at her when her tongue had slashed venomously at him. ‘Chemical reactions’, she had said. ‘I can’t keep my emotions under control. It makes you wonder really how much say we have in what we do’.
Her words sounded like lame excuses next to the power of negative feelings welling around inside her, which caused violent verbal eruptions every now and then.
‘We’ll manage’, he had said. ‘We always do’. ‘You mean, I do.’ She had thought savagely.
Her eldest child was chattering to her, interspersed with impatient, ‘Mummy’s’. He knew she wasn’t listening. ‘Shut up.’ She had shouted. ‘Leave me alone, for goodness sake.’ ‘All right, Mummy, I’ll keep quiet.’ The tone of her voice sent him scuttling away for a few moments, he was soon back gabbling happy nonsense in her ear constantly.
‘I love you, Mummy, can I kiss it better.’ He said to her as she sat holding her head in her hands over the kitchen table. He stroked her hair. She looked at him, his earnest little face beamed up at her. ‘All right, we’ll go and sit in the garden.’ She said.
She took the sun chair out of the front door and propped it up against the wall, the child followed her shouting and laughing. She sank gratefully into it, and leaned her head against the wall, her whole body felt stiff and unnatural. The sun was not strong enough yet. It was still quite early, about ten thirty, but its warmth could be felt and sky was completely clear. The garden had that new look of early Spring, and the field outside the gate stretched red brown, naked, waiting to be clothed. She closed her eyes and surrendered to the peace for a few moments when two hands grasped her face.
‘Don’t go to sleep, Mummy, look at these.’ Her son held a broken back of a lorry full
of pebbles two inches from her face.
‘Yes, dear, they’re lovely.’ She smiled, opening one eye, and closing it quickly.
‘Mummy, you’re not looking.’
‘I am looking.’
‘No, you’re not.’
Both her eyes opened quickly, he look told him to get lost quickly. ‘Go away.’ She shouted.
‘All right.’ And he was away.
She relaxed again and watched him busily playing with his toys on the gravel. He was happy.
The baby upstairs had woken up. He would want changing and bringing down. She stretched, the deep warmth of the sun penetrated her winter clothes now and her face felt rosy. She always caught the sun quickly but she wanted to this time. He skin was tired and she had spots. She hated spots. They took her back to her teens. The hue of the sun gave her disguised the wretched things a bit, and brought out her freckles.
The stairs showed the dust and the dog’s hairs as she walked up them.
‘Wretched dog, it’s one continual moult.’ She muttered. The door was ajar and she
could hear the baby niggling. She pushed it gently. A little face peered at her through the cot bars.
‘Hello, little one, had a good sleep?’ She said.
He chuckled and kicked to be picked up.
‘Poo, you stink.’ She said cuddling him. His head lunged down and caught her teeth.
‘Ow.’ She swung him round, he laughed and tugged at her hair. ‘Let go, Monkey.’
She yelled. He twisted and writhed in her arms, gooing and shouting.
‘I love you.’ She gasped as he nuzzled violently into her neck.
She changed his nappy, and brought him downstairs and put him in the baby walker.
He sat blinking in the bright light then she sat down again.
At twelve, she stirred. She definitely felt better. ‘Dinner.’ She thought. ‘I’ve got to get on.’ She checked to see if the eldest was still happy, he was. He had been very good really. He had left her alone for quite a while.
She went to the kitchen and prepared food. Three quarters of an hour later, she was ready.
‘Dinner’s ready.’ She called. ‘Come and get your hands washed.’
‘I don’t want dinner.’
‘Come on, it’ll go cold. Do you want to eat outside?’
‘Ooh, yes.’
‘Well, come and get your hand’s washed.’
She carried a small card table outside after washing him, sat him down, put the baby in the high chair and brought the food out. It was nice. It felt summery. Her temper had nearly subsided, even the baby’s crying because he had to wait a few moments for her to get from the kitchen to the garden scarcely bothered her. She put his in front of him and he nosedived into it. She found it hard to accept food all over the place. ‘On the second time around, you’d think you’d get used to it’, she thought, but she hadn’t, it was so damned messy. She sat down opposite her first bundle of trouble.
‘It’s nice, Mummy.’ He said.
‘Good, mmm, it is, isn’t it, now eat it all otherwise we won’t do this again.’
‘Blast’, she thought, ‘I’m always threatening.’
‘Can I have bread with it?’
‘Yes, as long as you eat the dinner.’
She ate hers. It did taste good and healthy outside and it was pleasant. The baby grinned at her through a haze of strangled food. The other child had eaten half of his and was now toying with the rest.
‘Eat it.’ She said.
‘Yes, all right, Mummy.’ His little face looking slightly sick as he pushed another spoonful in. He chewed it slowly and laboriously. She felt her patience going but checked it.
‘Don’t waste it please.’ She said to him. ‘Eat this much.’ She pushed half to the front and to the other half to the back of his plate. He nodded.
‘I’ll get your pudding. Finish it by the time I get back.’
The baby had finished his now and was crying again. She resented his impatience. It was the only time he cried though, so she couldn’t complain. She wiped him clean while he bawled indignantly.
‘Wait.’ She said to him. ‘Wait.’
She fetched the pudding. Meanwhile, her other son had finished his half and was looking very pleased with himself. She gave him his dessert and then sat down and fed the baby. He couldn’t manage puddings yet. She had just finished when the phone rang. She knew it was her husband. He always rang at dinner time, usually, when she was in the middle of it, just about to take the first bite. She knew it was nice of him to do it but she was often sharp with him for disturbing her.
The pips went. ‘Hello’ the voice at the end came through. ‘Hello’ she answered. ‘Are you feeling better?’ He asked. ‘Yes, we’ve just had dinner outside, it was nice.’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Yes, I’m okay.’ ‘I didn’t want a mother’s day present you know.’ ‘I know but we don’t know yet.’ ‘You should have waited.’ ‘I was willing.’ ‘You weren’t.’ ‘I was, I could have just said ‘sod you and gone off.’ ‘I know that’s exactly what I mean.’ ‘Anyway, I didn’t phone up to argue, we’ll manage.’ ‘Did you get Easter Sunday off.’ ‘No, I haven’t asked yet.’ ‘Why not, why should you work all Easter, you should have known when it was, now everybody else has got it off except you, when are you going to realise you’ve got a family, now I’ll have to go to all the service on my own.’ ‘It will mean asking somebody else if they’ll swap with me.’ ‘Why don’t you think of us sometimes?’ ‘I do.’ ‘Oh, you make me sick.’
The phone slammed down. ‘Stupid, thick idiot.’ She fumed. Her anger and frustration poured back into her like a dam bursting. She stormed outside and slumped into the chair. ‘Your father’s stupid.’ She shouted at the eldest.
‘Daddy’s stupid.’ He said back to her.
‘Yes, he is…stupid!’ She spat out the words. She felt dimly guilty for saying that to the child. He came up to her. ‘Never mind, I love you. I’ll kiss it better.’ He kissed her lips and smiled at her. She felt easier. He had a way of soothing her, saying the right things when it really mattered. He was so young yet so wise sometimes. ‘I can do it.’ He yelled peddling his bicycle after he left her. He had been trying for eighteen months and he had just done it today. She grinned. ‘That’s great, push hard.’ She called as he ground to a halt. The baby was back in his baby walker pushing himself round the court yard. He had just learned to do that as well today. ‘At least somebody’s making progress.’ She sighed to herself.
After finishing the washing up, she sat down in the sun chair again for half an hour. She had calmed down much more quickly this time. ‘The kitchen needs a clean’ she thought. She got up, cleared it out and washed the floor. The baby was sitting in his pram now, so she went to look for her other son. He was fishing in the pond. She bent down by him.
‘Can you see a newt?’ She asked, digging in the water with a stick he had handed her.
‘No.’
‘I’ll see if I can find one.’ She flicked the dead leaves off the surface and probed gently.
‘There’s one.’ She said excitedly.
‘Get him for me.’ He said.
‘I can’t, I’ve lost him.’
‘Where is he?’
‘It’s gone into the weeds.’
Her son jumped around excitably behind her. She moved to the other side of the pond where the light hit the water so that she could see the bottom. ‘Look, there’s a water beetle.’ She said. He peered at it. She thought it was anyway, it was very ugly and quite big. ‘Maybe it’s a water boatman. My back’s aching now, so I’ll leave.’ She said getting up quickly. She handed him the stick, and told him not to fall in and went indoors.
The phone rang. She picked it up, nothing, just a dialling tone. She put it down. She had half hoped it had been one of her friends. She felt like unburdening herself to a woman. She had someone in mind. ‘No, she’s got problems of her own.’ She thought. ‘I’d be selfish, beside I’ve only just met her.’ Still, it would have been nice to just talk.
‘I’m cleaning my car.’ A little voice broke into her thoughts. ‘That’s good. I’ll get you a cloth.
‘I’ve got a cloth.’
‘Dead leaves aren’t a cloth. I’ll get you one from the kitchen.’
She came back carry a bucket and a cloth. He thanked her happily and she left him scrubbing his car. She carried the baby upstairs and put the television on. There was a film for children on at 4.25. She went downstairs again and called. ‘There’s a film on for you.’
‘I’ve filled it too full.’
‘You shouldn’t fill the bucket with pond water, you’re soaking.’ She said regarding her very wet son.
She emptied the bucket back into the pond. ‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.’ He said.
‘All right, now go upstairs and take your trousers off. There’s a film for you.’
She got them settled in front of the box, and went and got their tea. They both nibbled a few bits and then pushed it aside.
‘Don’t want anymore.’
‘Eat a bit.’
‘You eat it.’
‘I’ll eat this bit, you eat that.’
‘All right.’
The baby was niggling so she picked him up and played with him for a while.
‘Watch the film.’ She said to her eldest as it began.
It was about a whale. She got quite engrossed. The children settled down and watched it with her. A child hurt the whale and she felt fury inside her. Her child stirred as said something. ‘Shhh, look the poor whale’s hurt.’
‘It was the boy.’
‘Yes, don’t you every hurt things when you grow up.’
A bit later on they were going to shoot it and she felt again hatred towards the ignorance of the people ready to destroy such a beautiful animal, but it all ended happily and she relaxed again.
She got the children ready for bed after it had finished. ‘The baby has been at his most niggly today’ she thought, ‘must have tuned into me’.
The eldest went off quite happily with his book. She cleaned his teeth, washed his face and he clambered into bed.
‘Goodnight.’ She said. ‘Goodnight, Jesus.’
‘Goodnight and goodnight, Jesus.’ He said turning his head to look at the crucifix behind his bed. He grinned and shrieked with laughter. He was always shrieking with laughter just lately.
‘I love you.’ She said as she shut the door.
The baby was not going to settle down. ‘He’s probably hungry’. She thought, ‘he didn’t eat anything for tea.’
She picked him out of his cot, and went and sat down with him. It was all he wanted, some cuddling. He played for a while then she decided to write a letter so put him on the floor by her and sat down. He chuckled and chortled for an hour then got tired and finally went off to bed.
It was the first day she had had trouble getting him settled down. He was usually as good as gold. ‘He must know’, she thought chewing the end of the pen.
Dusk was over and the night was nearly descending. Her husband worked shifts and wouldn’t be home for a good two hours and there was nothing on the television of interest.
She started writing about her day.
***
Great big hugs to one and all...
Sorry for having to explain that to you...
