Hi to everybody...here is the second part of this essay on Love...
Part 11 Aspects of love…..
What exactly does it mean when a human being falls in love? If it is the most powerful source of pleasure, it could be described as the meeting of another human being who incites intense feelings of pleasure in another human being, and draws them to pursue the individual in order to increase the experience or continue it. If the attraction is reciprocal, further meetings will decide whether the pleasure factor is reinforced and ongoing, and is strengthened with the revealing of the personality of both individuals. Initially, the attraction is based often on the appearance of the individual and, only in subsequent meetings, on their personality. Unfortunately, further meetings may reveal facets of personality which will decrease the pleasure in one or both people, and they
will go their separate ways. However, if this does happen, but the facets are tolerable to both people, a continuation of the relationship might be considered worth while, because the balance of pleasurable facets outweighs the facets which displease or even induce revulsion to a greater or lesser degree.
Very few individuals meet another who meets all their personal needs, so, falling in love does require a certain amount of compromise to remain stimulating and ongoing. However, while some undesirable facets of personality could be overlooked initially, as time passes, they could become intolerable as the pleasurable feelings are reduced whenever they reappear in front of the individual who had been able to accept them at the beginning of the relationship. This may take many months or even years to realise, and it is then that a falling out of love occurs, and the individual unable to cope any more with the undesirable facets of their partner's personality, leaves. If no pleasure is derived from a relationship, it is certain love no longer exists within it, and the opposite emotion has replaced it, namely revulsion or even hate, which will lead, in the end, to rejection of the offending individual. Sadly, this is, probably, why so many marriages break down.
Love can die when intense pleasure in the other dies. Liking somebody is not the same as loving somebody. The former induces pleasure but the latter induces an intensity of leasure which nobody else can match. This is love. In the same way, disliking somebody is not the same as hating somebody. The same criterion applies; the former induces mild revulsion while the latter induces a profound revulsion, namely hatred, which nobody else can arouse in the same way. Of course, human beings are capable of loving more than one person at a time, but each relationship will be at different levels of intensity, and for completely different reasons. The relationship between a man and a women, or two men or two women, depending on their sexual preferences, is based usually on a one to one basis, mainly because there is such a large expenditure of energy called for to ensure the continuation of love and making sure it does not die through neglect or by upsetting each
other. When another individual appears on the scene, the one to one relationship becomes unbalanced, and one or other of the partners is thrown into a state of confusion when they find themselves drawn to another who arouses even more intense pleasure than their partner. Many people claim to love both their partner and their new found source of pleasure, but in different ways. One provides one form of intense pleasure while the other satisfies another one, which may or may not being satisfied in the original relationship.
More often than not, it is due to the latter reason a partner initially splits their
interests with another outside. The energy required to maintain two relationships invariably ends with somebody getting hurt or abandoned in favour of the other.
The young have a tendency to fall in and out of love frequently, mainly because their bodies are undergoing huge changes as their hormones prepare their bodies for reproduction. Inexperience and blind responses to the demands of their maturing bodies can lead them to pursue potential sexual partners selfishly. The intense pleasure of love is laid aside for self gratification in many cases. Where no sexual union takes place until love is present, the urge to find a suitable partner increases accordingly. Eventually,
the majority of people do meet somebody who fulfils their desires and needs, but it is often a long and difficult journey to reach that point, and some never achieve it.
In the modern world, many young adults are choosing to abandon the practice of legalising their relationship or having it sanctioned by a religious ritual. They prefer to form free unions where both partners accept that the other is committed to the relationship but both remain free to leave the union without the need for a public divorce. Although many still choose to get married, the increase in living together between young people is going to have a profound effect on future understanding of partnerships between consenting adults.
This will lead to new methods of publicising these relationships so that both partners will be recognised as a couple, but without binding legal or spiritual contracts attached. All ready a variety of services have been created to meet this need, but they are still relatively rare. Common law partners are recognised within the legal system as having rights similar to those of legally bound couples now when the relationship has lasted for several years, and, especially, where children are involved. The recognition of the validity of these unions enables two individuals to feel more secure and protected from the
possibility of being left homeless, financially bereft and abandoned if one partner decides to leave. This public acknowledgement of this new form of union cannot fail to affect the previous practices, and may well make them obsolete eventually.
Several cultures have chosen to select partners for their children when they reach adulthood. In these case, if the selection is carried out without the needs of the son or daughter being taken into consideration fully, and divorce is discouraged or forbidden, very unhappy consequences can ensue as the result of a mismatch. However, as this practice has been going on for centuries, there must have been more successful matches than unsuccessful ones otherwise the practice would not have survived. This method of
arranging unions is less easily achieved when the young adults have moved out of their indigenous culture, or been born into a foreign one. Many young people come under the influence of the host culture and decide the ways of the past are not their ways. This can cause conflict within the family and only considerate negotiation between parents and the young adults can settle the disputes. Unfortunately, this does not happen always and the young find themselves abandoned by their families and ostracised permanently, especially if they choose a partner for themselves outside their own religious and racial culture. The previous practice was based on the premise that love grows by familiarity after marriage. Obviously, this does happen sometimes, but, where divorce or separation are forbidden, an error of judgement can condemn two individuals to a life time of pain, distress and, often, physical and verbal abuse of one partner, usually the woman. The argument put forward by those who wish to continue the practice is that the relationships
between individuals within the host culture break down so frequently now, the old ways are more successful, because the prospective partner is chosen very carefully, so why change what has worked well for such a long time. It remains to be seen how long the practice will survive the onslaught of human progress and change.
What attracts two people to each other and makes them want to spend the rest of their lives together has remained a mystery for centuries. The subject has been explored in depth at the end of twentieth century by psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, scientists, theologians, poets, writers, artists and the ordinary person in the street. It is probably because human beings have been led to believe that 'love' is something extraordinary instead of what it might well be, an emotional, physical and mental attraction between two individuals which satisfy each for either a limited period of time or until one dies and the relationship is terminated. Where the latter happens, the remaining individual might well continue loving the lost partner, but with less expenditure of energy because no longer required to sustain the relationship on a day to day basis.
Their absence may well lead the remaining partner to seek out another one when the pain of the loss has subsided sufficiently and loneliness sets in. The same reaction can occur when two people divorce. A process of grieving follows frequently as the removal of an often deeply loved partner from the family home, suddenly in some cases, is akin to a real bereavement and a period of recovery and healing is extremely necessary. In the past, many marriages were made solely for the purpose of keeping wealth or power in two families. Love was absent often, and the consequence was an unfulfilled and unhappy relationship which continued until one partner died. Today, divorce frequently ends such relationships because the two individuals involved are prepared to accept no longer such an enforced union.
Where children are involved, the pain of the break-up of a marriage often has devastating consequences on their ability to make satisfactory choices when it comes to choosing partners of their own, because their judgement of what love entails, namely compromise and a high degree of unselfishness, is damaged by their early experiences.
Many individuals, who have spent a large amount of their lives together, may find the intense pleasure they found in their partners initially reduces gradually to a state of contentment where the intensity of feeling levels off, and both accept the qualities and shortcomings of each other in a different state of pleasure. This does not mean love has died, but has moved onto a different level, above mere liking, but below the early intensity of feeling. Most long term relationships arrive at this point as time passes, and, if strong enough, will provide sufficient energy to enable the union to continue until one partner dies. It comes as age mellows the powerful emotions, and two people reach
acceptable compromises between each other in the meeting of the needs of each partner by the other. Where such compromises cannot be made, even long term relationships fall apart, and both partners go their separate ways, often to the bemusement of their children, relatives and friends who considered their relationship permanent and indissoluble.
While I have looked briefly at human love between two adults, another source of love is that found between parent and child. This relationship is going to have an even more powerful effect on the future world than is the changing relationships between adults and their sense of their own selves. It is vitally important the emotional, mental and physical needs of the young are met within this rapidly changing world.
Parents, normally, experience intense pleasure from their children which bonds them for life. This love, however, is rarely unconditional. If their children fail to live up to their expectations, the intense pleasure can be reduced to intense dislike, or even hatred. The result of this falling out of love leads many families to be conflict ridden, and gives the children a damaged comprehension of this most powerful of emotions. The well being of the young relies heavily on the happiness and well being of their parents. Where the latter is flawed or absent, damaged young adults go out into the world, and, frequently, inflict their damage on future partners. It is a vital part of growing up that young people are helped to understand that, in spite of all the stresses and strains their parent's relationship may undergo, they are still a source of intense pleasure, and, as a result of this, are loved still by their respective parents. While it is far better to love unconditionally, it is the most difficult achievement for any human being. Most fail to a greater or lesser degree, because their understanding of this concept is subject to their own experiences of such love.
Certain religions have taught their adherents for centuries that divine love is
unconditional, but, on closer examination, it is clear it is not. It is given only if
allegedly divinely inspired laws are kept and rituals followed. Failure to do so result in eternal damnation. The contradictions in this teaching is becoming impossible to reconcile in the minds of many believers, and they are abandoning their religions in favour of a one to one relationship with their God, or losing their belief altogether. Through this, it is essential a new understanding of the meaning of love emerges at the dawn of the new
millennium. Human beings know it to be the most powerful experience they will ever have, and may well become completely disillusioned with it if it proves to be merely a chemical, emotional or physical response to a particular stimulus. It has to be far more than that, otherwise it will lead to the emergence of unfulfilled and very unhappy human beings with mental and emotional problems previously unseen in the world. The damaging of human
emotions and minds often leads to a breakdown in physical health as a side effect, so it is very important for modern human beings to arrive at a new understanding of the value of human love if the world is not to produce a surfeit of sick individuals.
One other aspect of love as a source of intense pleasure cannot be ignored. Human beings are capable of deriving intense pleasure from material objects or activities often close to or surpassing in intensity that derived from a relationship with another human being. Such loves can be replacements for the absence of a satisfactory human relationship, but not always. Many individuals pour huge amounts of energy into the pursuit of their favourite activities while retaining a satisfactory relationship with their partners. It has to be said, human beings have only so much energy within them, therefore it is
difficult to believe the human relationship will not suffer to a greater or lesser degree from this division of energy expenditure. Probably, the partner will have had to decide to agree to be either an equal partner alongside the second pursuit, or be satisfied with playing second fiddle to it, and compromise, because in their own self interest to respond in this manner, or, alternatively, pursue the activity as well so as to remain close to their partner.
The danger of the pursuit of such activities is that not all are healthy. A human being who is damaged mentally and emotionally may well begin to pursue activities extremely harmful to other individuals. In such cases, it is possible to derive intense pleasure at the moment of the act. The terrible consequences of such a pursuit is obvious, but these responses have to considered because it is clear pleasure is derived from hurting other people in some very damaged individuals.
In the past, such actions would be blamed on the presence of demonic forces, namely, the devil, within the human being, but this explanation no longer suffices. The person would be classified as evil. This means lacking in love, but it is not necessarily the case. Perversion in love can exist. The individual may be cold and calculating in the carrying out of the act, but they must derive a high degree of intense pleasure from carrying it out otherwise it could not be completed. It is an utterly selfish love where the perpetrator is the only one deriving any pleasure so self gratification is its aim, and, if completed, its achievement. Hatred may be the underlying driving force, but the damaged
individual would see this only after the act had been completed, and may not
even be aware of it until it was pointed out to them.
This is the darkest expression of misdirected human love, but many other degrees of unhealthy loves exist in the majority of human beings. Love of power, money, hard drugs, alcohol, criminal activities, pornography, or sexual deviancy for example can all induce intense pleasure in some people, and huge amounts of human energy are expended in the pursuit of all these activities. The lovers of such pursuits may argue their activities are their own personal choice, and see little harm in following their desires, but all can
cause damage to other human beings not to mention the individuals themselves. In the case of alcohol and hard drugs in particular the pleasure becomes addictive if consumed in sufficient quantities, and deprives the individuals of the freedom of choice. In the end, their initial pleasure may turn to hatred when the effects of their addictions have worn off, but they will be unable to break their addictions because of the very temporary intense pleasure derived from the intake of the substances. This form of dependency does involve the emotional and mental faculties of the addicts but the physical body is the part of the human being most affected, with it demanding satisfaction regardless of what the other faculties are telling the individuals. All the others are less addictive physically, but, if loved powerfully enough, can lead to mental and emotional dependency on the thrill achieved when the individuals satisfy their needs.
There are, of course, as I mentioned before, less harmful loves such as the pursuit of a whole variety of pastimes, or chosen careers, or directed towards a loved pet, and, if not placed above that of human relationships, provide a beneficial effect on the individuals involved.
No human being on earth can survive without any love whatsoever. They will shrivel and die from neglect and loneliness if they find themselves in such a state. Where love is absent, a world will begin to exist where human life becomes of little value. The abandoning of religions should not mean that human beings cannot work out for themselves what love is in purely human terms, why they need it, and what they want from it. The business world may
concentrate all its energies on creating wealth, sadly, often at the expense of the developing nations, predominantly by the sale of armaments and by the enforced growth of cash crops, more energy should be concentrated on creating a world where love can thrive, where human beings feel valued, not for their financial or material wealth, but because they exist, and, through this, their healthy mental, emotional and physical needs should be met from birth to death. In the end, only the ordinary men and women in the street can ask these questions and seek out the answers for themselves. Experts may put forward proposals, but unless they strike a chord in the deepest part of the human psyche, they will be rejected as unworkable or irrelevant. It may sound foolish to talk of such a pursuit when so many individuals are struggling to put food in their mouths, clothes on their backs and to find shelter for themselves and their families, but, if human beings had found the answer to the question of what is love, these problems would have been overcome all ready, because the world would not be able to sit by and see any human being deprived of even the basic of human rights, namely food, shelter and clothing. Only when dire poverty is eradicated will every human being have the luxury of being able to consider their own emotional, mental and physical needs.
Many religions have upheld poverty as a virtue or karma, and this erroneous belief has led to many people being able to consider the resolution of this dreadful dilemma impossible, and, therefore, not worth being overly concerned about or merited as repayment for past sins. In a world where the rich are getting richer and the poor poorer, the urgency to find solutions should be a major priority of all human beings living in affluent societies
across the earth, and, if ignored, could lead to dreadful, unforeseen consequences. Not least, the death of millions, if not billions, from neglect and failure to act when all the signs pointed to a catastrophe on the part of those with more than their fair share of the world's wealth.
There are more opportunities today to support the removal of poverty than have ever existed before. Perhaps, before the individuals living within the affluent societies seek answers to their own needs, they might put their energies into enabling every human being to be in that advantageous position, then every individual could contribute instead of, as it is now, only the few.
Great big hugs to one and all...
